It's You I Miss
by Chuchi Otaku
Summary: An operation to infiltrate a Kraang facility ends in disaster, leaving Donnie to struggle to cope with the loss of a brother, the weight of guilt and regret, and the truth that even geniuses sometimes forget what they have till it's gone. [B-Team centric angst. Character death?]
1. 4:44 AM

This is what I get for listening to my iTunes while working. I'm supposed to be working on some of my fanfics and an assignment, but this plot bunny just won't leave me alone. Ah well.

 **Disclaimer:** I don't own Nickelodeon's TMNT or the song "Hurt" by Christina Aguilera.

* * *

 **It's You I Miss**

Universe: TMNT 2012, before Annihilation Earth episodes

Pairings: None

Warnings: Some coarse language

* * *

 ** _I'm sorry for blaming you_**

 ** _For everything I just couldn't do_**

* * *

 _04:42:27 AM_

They say that when you're about to die, your life flashes before your eyes, a film on fast forward.

What most people don't know is that the same can be said for those who are seconds away from losing someone too.

And no one knew that better right now than one Donatello Hamato.

This can't be happening! The purple masked genius cried out in his mind. Oh God, this can't be happening! This was supposed to be a simple mission on the get to go! This can't be happening!

And truth be told, it had been.

From the very start, from the break-in to the retrieval of their target, to a few meters from their exit, everything had gone so well for them.

So why did it have to end with one brother being separated from three others by an unyielding steel wall? Why did it have to end with one of them having to run down a path of seemingly no return?

Why did Donatello overlook such a fatal flaw in the brothers' plan?

How could he let it come to _this_?

 _"_ _The plan wouldn't have worked, guys. I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier but what would that change? What would you guys have done that wouldn't have ended with you being where I am right now?"_

"Don't do this." Donnie heard himself speak, voice desperate and cracked like flimsy fine china. "Please, _please_ , I'm begging you, bro. You can't—d-don't do this. There has to be—you don't have to—!"

The sepia colored flashes came unbidden, burning through eyes already laden with tears, all those moments, beautiful, ugly and missed. The last few cruel hours, the stupid fight and the fit of temper that in hindsight was so petty and so goddamned ridiculous in the face of the present scenario.

If only I have known. Oh God, I didn't want this! I didn't—! If I have known, I would have—!

 _"_ _Better me than any of you, am I right?"_

"…I'm sorry, D."

Donnie's breathing hitched as the barely audible apology went on.

"I tried. I really tried, you know. Back then, when everything was so simple, when I could still understand, when I could still reach you…" A hitch. "But you're so far away. You're meant for bigger and better things if only we were more than this. You deserve all that in the world and…I'm sorry I can't be good enough for you."

There was barely a pause before the telltale sound of firing lasers rang behind the metal wall, and the rising hysteria in Donnie's other brothers' voices when they heard it as well joined the cacophony.

"NO! NO, PLEASE NO!" Donnie's bruised fists landed useless, so utterly, pathetically _useless_ , against the wall again. I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! Don't do this! Don't do this to us! Don't—!

 _"_ _Look at it this way, at least now you can be proud of me for something."_

"I love you bros…all of you…always..." The swinging of chains against metal. "BOOYAKASHA!"

 _"Now this is what I call going in a blaze of glory, right guys?"_

"Mikey! _No! NO, MIKEY!"_

…

BOOM! BOOM! _BOOOOM!_

 _…_

 _04:44:44 AM_

* * *

 _ **And I've hurt myself, by hurting you...**_

* * *

You guys remember how it was like in Still Right Here, when it was meant to be a one shot but it evolved and I had to cut it into parts? Well, it happened again! :P Like my usual, the prologue is super short but the chapters after it will more than make up for that, me thinks.

Don't worry though, this fic is mostly done as of this writing so it won't really get in the way of my other works. Anyway, let me know what you guys think and whether I should continue posting this.


	2. Apologize

**_Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face_**

 ** _You told me how proud you were, but I walked away_**

 ** _If only I'd known, what I know today_**

* * *

 _Eight hours before…_

 _"_ _The Kraang's got some brand new mutagen around, so I've heard." Donnie said over the huddle of ninja turtles gathered round the table, all faces serious for once (even the resident turtle clown). "And they've got it stored in a secure facility outside the city."_

 _Raphael lips drew into a snarl. "How many times do we need to kick those stupid alien's butts before they get the hint and leave this planet alone?"_

 _Leonardo sighed, fingers massaging his temples at the thought. "You know where the new base is at exactly, Don?"_

 _Donnie laid out a map on the table. "Based on where the Mutanimals spotted Kraang activity near the border, I'd say it's right at the center of this forest."_

 _"_ _Well, that's just great! Not only do we have to break into this super secret Kraang base, but we also don't know where the hell it's supposed to be?" Raph huffed irritably._

 _"_ _Relax guys, I've already narrowed down the most likely place where the base could be. All we need to do is break in, get the new mutagen, destroy the rest of the place and waltz out." Donnie shrugged. "It's not like we haven't done it before."_

 _"_ _Well, that's true. And it's not like we have a choice." Leo frowned. "Let's just head there and get this over—"_

 _"_ _I don't think we should go."_

 _Three turtles froze and all gazes wheeled to Mikey who let out an eep._

 _Raph raised an eye ridge but it was Leo who asked first. "What did you say?"_

 _Mikey's lips twitched. "I—I don't know, guys, it's just, I can't explain it but I think going on this mission's a real bad idea. Like real, it's a zombie apocalypse tomorrow kinda bad."_

 _The red banded turtle of the group facepalmed. "What the shell have you been reading this time—?"_

 _"_ _Raph, I'm serious!" Mikey snapped so strongly, so unlike him, that everyone froze. "It's not because of any comic or cartoon! I get that stopping the Kraang is important, but I just can't get rid of that feeling. Like there's this alarm in my head that keeps ringing, if we go on this mission, we could screw something up really big time and—"_

 _"_ _What would be new about that? We have you around to thank for that, don't we?" A cold voice hissed in the middle of Mikey's tirade, and in an instant, the atmosphere changed._

 _The air turned into dangerous frost. The youngest turtle jumped back as if burnt, Leo's eyes became hardened sapphires and Raph's voice dropped ten degrees colder. "Donnie…"_

 _"_ _Raph." Leo said warningly, though his voice was a touch colder than his normally volatile brother's, before turning to his youngest. "I don't know where you're getting all this, Mikey, but you don't have to worry. Donnie's right, we've done this sort of thing before and we've managed, remember?"_

 _Mikey hesitated then nodded. Leo gave him a small smile. "We all just have to work together to make sure we succeed in this mission, like always. But we need you to focus on the plan—"_

 _"—_ _to keep your hands to yourself—"_

 _"—_ _ **and**_ _help us all out." Leo's voice snapped bitingly at Donnie's interruption before softening again. "We'll make it OK, Mikey. You know you can trust us to make it OK, don't you?"_

 _"_ _But—" The orange masked turtle smiled slightly in defeat. "Fine. Lead the way, fearless leader."_

 _The purple masked turtle made a move to snap something again but then he caught his little brother's gaze. Turbulent brown met baby blues so wretched and pleading that it stole the words out of Donnie's throat and clawed something distinctly painful in his gut._

 _Instead, Donnie turned away with a huff. "I'll be at the Shellraiser when you're ready."_

 _No one stopped the tallest turtle from marching away to the solace of his machines and equipment, mind furiously working on every possible tinkering to distract him from the haunted broken eyes of his little brother that could push him to do something he'd regret._

 _I have nothing to be sorry for. Mikey's being a pain, he needs to grow up, and Leo and Raph aren't helping._

 _Several wrench turns later, Donnie's face hardened once more. I'm not apologizing for anything._

* * *

 ** _I would hold you in my arms. I would take away the pain._**

 ** _Thank you for all you've done. Forgive all your mistakes._**

* * *

One hour, forty five minutes and fifty seconds since Donatello was sure his world had ended.

It took barely five minutes for him and the rest of his brothers—only two of them, why oh why only _two?_ —to stumble out of the base before the bombs they planted earlier reduced the hidden base to rubble, but so much longer for them to pick themselves up from the what left the them reeling far worse than that explosion.

Donnie's hands flew to either side of his head, a guttural whine erupting from his throat.

His brother, his _only_ little baby brother, the bright sunshine of the family that they have all sworn to protect, gone forever under the smoking pile of earth and twisted metal.

Gone believing one of his brothers hated him.

Gone before said gargantuan idiot of a brother could make it up to him for that stupid argument that should never had happened in the first place.

Donnie's trembling hands fell to his trembling beak. Oh God, what have I done? Mikey, why did it have to be Mikey? It should have been me! Why did it have to be him?

Donnie was hardly aware of Leo gathering his brothers to the Shellraiser, of the oldest turtle gently guiding the now youngest brother—no more little brother for bad, _bad_ , little Donnie, oh no, no, no!— to a seat in the vehicle, of the Shellraiser moving past the skyline of trees and greens to the more familiar overreaching steel and towers.

Mikey, little brother, where are you? The tears dripped past knobby fingers and a strangled mix of a sob and laugh. You can't—you can't leave us! You can't be gone! I'm sorry. I'm so sorry! I'd look for you anywhere, everywhere, wherever I have to, just be somewhere I can find!

The Shellraiser stopped, the scent of moss, water soaked earth and concrete greeted his nose and he felt someone guide him to his feet.

"Donnie?" There was the voice that pulled him up, soft as gossamer yet cracked all over the delicate edges. "Donnie, come on, we have to go back. We've been gone too long. Donnie?"

N-no, not yet! Please not yet! I still haven't—I still need to find him! A freezing draft seizing his heart, so very cold at the empty, tattered place where his sunlight was supposed to be. But I—I can't. I can't find Mikey. Oh God help me, I can't find Mikey!

"—damn it, Don, don't do this!" There were rough hands on either of his shoulders, another voice that reminded him of rolling thunder and cascading waterfalls. "Bro, come on, snap out of it! We still—we have to tell Splinter! We still have to go home!"

Home…?

Soft, warm oranges, twinkling eyes and mischievous laughter under bright sunlight filled the gangly turtle's mind, and a burning, needy ache bloomed in his chest.

There were cries of his name behind him but he didn't care when his feet were taking off on their own, flying past the familiar twists and turns of sewer turnstiles and the need for home.

Home. Mikey. Of course. Home. Little brother. Home. Mikey. _Home._

The desperate, _desolate_ , need to hold onto home and never ever let go…

"Donatello?"

A light baritone voice called to him, gentle but so frighteningly strong, it knocked the wind out of his lungs and forced the world back to his senses.

He was in the pit, in the Lair, Sensei in front of him with a bewildered and alarmed look on his face, his two—just two—other brothers gasping for breath behind him. But not…

"M-Mikey?"

Donnie blurted, making Splinter pause in his questioning of his two older sons when it was clear that the third was beyond reach and the fourth was not there and no one could begin to explain why.

 _I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry._

A pair of arms wrapped around his shell, pulling him to an embrace, while a hand rubbed the back of his head in gentle circles as Donnie sobbed and screamed.

I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! The thoughts hemmed and hawed like a record, as broken as the rest of him. I'm sorry, Mikey. It's my fault. It's all my fault. Please come back! We can't lose you. Please come back! Mikey! _Mikey…_!

* * *

See you all next year! (Which is only days away.) Have a great one!


	3. Regret

Err, it's been a while, yes? Real life's been keeping me so I apologize for the delays in my fanfics. It might take me a while before I can get back to them again, I don't really know. Please bear with me and thanks in advance!

* * *

 ** _There's nothing I wouldn't do to hear your voice again._**

 ** _Sometimes I want to call you but I know you won't be there._**

* * *

 _Sixteen hours before…_

 _"_ _What the fuck was that about, Donnie?!"_

 _The resident turtle genius groaned at being forcefully pulled from his research but turned to the angry voice behind him. "What was what about, Raph?"_

 _Raph crossed his arms over his plastron with a glower to match. "Your deal with Mikey earlier, during the fight with the PDs!"_

 _A blink then it was Donnie's turn to scowl. "This again? Why won't you and Leo just drop it?" And why was he the one getting the lectures anyway? He's the one in the right, for crying out loud!_

 _"_ _You're the one to talk! Why don't you drop whatever it is that's going on between you and Mikey? It's been almost a week!" Raph snapped._

 _Donnie straightened from his chair. "That has nothing to do with—!"_

 _"_ _The shell it doesn't! You've been nothing but a real asshole to him ever since then!"_

 _"_ _Well if he was a much easier person to work with, I wouldn't have to set him straight, would I?" Donnie growled. "Come on, Raph! We all know it! If Mikey hadn't tripped on that crate, the PDs wouldn't have known we were there before the ambush! It's his fault the whole mission would have gone disastrous!"_

 _Oh Raph knew that, all right._

 _The Purple Dragons were breaking in some store down 31_ _st_ _and the turtles were going to pick them off one by one, but Mikey just had to play around like he always did and shatter a crate rather loudly near their hiding place. That resulted into an all-out brawl between them and the rest of their opponents who had actually outnumbered them._

 _But while Raph had been as downright pissed at Mikey about it, he didn't think it gave him or anyone else any right to say what Donnie did. "You could have been a lot nicer about it! I'm the jackass of this group and I still won't take it that far!"_

 _Calling Mikey a downright idiot, a waste of space and a whole lot of other vicious names that made Raph's skin itch. Saying that the rest of the team was better off if Mikey wasn't with them. Blaming Mikey for nearly every little thing that had gone wrong in all of their missions (while most of them had indeed been the smallest turtle's fault, it was certainly not ALL)._

 _If the tirade had gone any longer, Raph was sure Mikey would have broken to tears. And if Leo hadn't stepped in, Raph was sure that he would have shut Donnie up himself with a fist._

 _"_ _And that's the other side of the problem!" Donnie said coldly. "You and Leo are always taking his side, no matter how bad he ruins everything! Tolerating him, sparing the rod for more times than I can count—how is he supposed to grow up if you keep on babying him?"_

 _"_ _We're not babying him, for fuck's sake!" Oh, and Raph still had a half-mind to use said fist. "We—YOU of all people—should know that that's just how he is! He's a scatterbrain and he's pretty reckless, but he's not a waste of space and he definitely did not deserve to be treated like dirt by his own brother!"_

 _"_ _I'm trying to make him learn—"_

 _"_ _You're hurting him, Donnie!"_

 _"—_ _if that's what it takes, then so be it." The purple masked turtle said in firm finality, making Raph's nails dig against his clenched hand._

 _"_ _What the hell's the matter with you, Donnie? I get that Mikey gets onto everyone's nerves at some point, but now you blow up on him faster than even me!" The red banded turtle's voice became subdued. "You and Mikey used to be two peas in a pod. What happened to that?"_

 _Donnie's hard brown eyes turned back to his workstation._

 _"_ _I grew up." The simple logic that Donnie moved forward while Mikey did not._

 _It wasn't Donnie's fault Mikey got left behind because the latter never moved at all._

 _And it wouldn't be fair for the world to ask Donnie to stop and wait for a kid who probably never will._

* * *

 ** _Sometimes I feel broke inside but I won't admit._**

 ** _Sometimes I just want to hide 'cause it's you I miss._**

 ** _And it's so hard to say goodbye, when it comes to this._**

* * *

Three days, six hours, fourteen minutes and fifty seconds later, Donnie counted, most of which he spent in the darkness of his lab.

The quiet of his instruments and the steady hum of his machines were the sole comfort he had nowadays, even if they weren't much help. Being anywhere outside or in the vicinity of friends or family poked at the still gaping wound left in his heart ever since Mik— _him._ It wasn't something Donnie wanted to deal with at the moment.

Not that anyone intruded his privacy lately, what with everyone too focused on their own grief and coping with the suffocating silence to bother. All of it suited Donnie just fine.

Logically, he was only delaying the inevitable progress in the stages of grieving. But the pain was still too fresh, too great. He had all but fallen apart the first few hours and he wasn't sure if he could survive another breakdown like that again.

"Yo, Donnie."

Huh? The purple masked turtle looked up from his work. "Raph?"

The hotheaded turtle flashed a wry grin from the entrance of Donnie's lab. "Haven't seen you in a while, bro. What's up?"

"Oh, you know the usual. Still working on that retro mutagen for Karai, among other things. So far, everything I've been using to reverse engineer the mutation is falling flat because I can't figure out just what Stockman added to Karai's mutagen to make it so unique." Donnie said. "I've also been trying to upgrade the power source of the Shellraiser if I could boost its speed. Since we lost that Kraang powercell, I've been hard pressed to find an adequate electric power source that can—"

"Yeah, yeah, that's great and all but when was the last time you stepped away for a break?" Raph said with crossed arms. "We haven't seen you really leave your lab in days. I know how much you love your machines but being cooped up here all day isn't doing you good, Donnie."

"Don't be ridiculous, Raph. I do come out once in a while—"

"Bathroom breaks don't count." Raph countered, holding up one of the mugs sitting on Donnie's desk. "And when was the last time you've had anything decent other than this coffee crap?"

Donnie rolled his eyes irritably. "Raph, just stop. I'm telling you I'm fine!"

"Bullshit." Raph growled. "You look like an effing zombie, Don. You haven't been eating or sleeping well lately and you're being snappier than usual. Wanna run that by me again?"

"Oh for heaven's sake!" Donnie threw his hands up. "I'm _fine,_ Raphael! I'm still walking, breathing and pretty much functioning, aren't I? Look, I've got important things to do, and you're not helping! If there's nothing else, I'd rather focus get back to my work in peace!"

Donnie turned to another part of his workstation in relative silence for a few seconds until Raph spoke again.

"I don't know how he does it."

The purple masked turtle's breathing seized. No, no, no. Raph, please don't—!

"We just take him for granted as the airhead of the team, but there really are things only _he_ can do." Raph went on, a somber yet fond expression on his face. "Getting you out of this dingy place, for one."

"Stop it…"

"Me and Leo, as long as your experiments don't blow up to where we at, we pretty much leave you alone, and you pretty much tune us out when we try to get you out of your lab. But somehow, he's always able to do it, to stand being around you even when you're so deep into your work it's like talking to a wall—"

"I said stop, Raph!" Donnie slammed a wrench on the table. Raph's eyes hardened.

"Not talking about **Mikey** doesn't make it any less real that he's gone, Donnie!" Raph snapped, ignoring the violent shudder that passed his younger brother at the lost turtle's name. "And it's not fair for you to just turn around and pretend that nothing's changed! You're not the only one who lost a brother, and you're not the only one who's still not OK about it."

"I—I—" Donnie knew about that, of course; understood that, despite Raph's tough guy front, he knew how deep love and the desire to protect ran in the older turtle's heart.

It was one reason why Raph was prone to diving without thinking, especially if it was (to him) for the good of the family. He also knew that was why Raph felt pain and rage more strongly than any of the brothers.

Oh how he remembered back then, ferociously emotional and passionately loving Raphael, a literal roaring mess of denial and anguish. He remembered green eyes, manically small amidst the torrent of tears, of barely held back limbs thrashing erratically and throat rented bleeding raw with that voice that sounded far more tormented than a wounded, dying animal.

 _"_ _NO! MIKEY! No, no, no, God damn it, Leo, get the fuck off! I have to—! Mikey! MIKEY!"_

Donnie jumped when he felt an arm around his shoulders, making him blink back the building tears.

"It's OK, Donnie." Raph said, voice uncharacteristically soft and solemn. "I got you, little brother. You're going to be OK."

"But I—I can't, Raph. I don't want to be fine!" Donnie whispered. "I don't deserve to be. N—not after what I've done, what a terrible brother I've been."

It hurt, it hurt so much it made him want to die alongside his brother, but Donnie did not want the pain to fade ever. He didn't deserve the relief. He had been such a bad big brother while Mikey had been alive. He won't be any worse by allowing himself to forget.

"You've made a mistake, Don, and you know that now." Raph's words remained gentle even when Donnie wished the older turtle would just yell. "But the Mikey we all know won't hate you for it. He never did. I'd know because he told me so."

Donnie choked. "H—he what?"

"Remember the last time we argued about him after that fight with the Dragons? You really did a number on him back then, you know. It was why I was so mad at you." Raph gave Donnie's shoulder a squeeze when the younger turtle shuddered at the memory. "But Mikey, he never held it against you, the shitty things you said or how you've been treating him. All he kept saying was that he really missed you and he wished he knew how to make things OK with you again."

"I was an idiot." Donnie sobbed. "A high and mighty idiot who didn't know what a wonderful brother he had until he lost him."

"But he loved you anyway." Raph whispered. "Mikey loved you and wouldn't want to see you beating up yourself like this."

"Raph, I…"

The older turtle sighed and bumped his forehead against Don's. "You don't have to be not fine alone, Donnie. None of us are now, so let's all just suck it up and be broken together until we're all ready to be OK again, all right?"


End file.
